Speaking of, I feel like I am coming to a more defined choice that I will have to make a structured decision with for a period of time.
I can't think of the right words. I'm sure some people may define it in different ways in their own world, but I would rather elaborate my thoughts than have 1 summed up word.
I wouldn't necessarily call it being loyal. I would compare it more to living to prove myself. I have always been against that thought and have had a progressive hatred through the years against people who think living to prove themselves is the only way to go, or when the will is imposed on me for me to live to prove myself. I see it more as a slaving mentality to either impress others, or go out of my way to prove I am one way or another.
It is an especial issue with the accountant/matrix man/ mathematician. It is back to the cookie cutter concept and being pigeon-holed to say I am one way or another with their own labels and definitions.
Some people have already called me a sellout. There are times when I act spontaneously because I feel the need to seriously communicate with some people. But do I consider myself a sellout? Not really. Shawshank redemption, remember? The thing is, what if my life always has to be a Shawshank because whoever the matrix man is, is relentless in making me his slave to always live to prove myself? To change my personality to fall under his cookie cutter labels to say I am one way or another. ????
This is my dilemma. Even though I am already confident in who I am and know who I am, I hate feeling like I am always blinded by some sort of cookie cutter trap and will always have to be a shawshank to prove to the matrix man he will never dictate my life.
I know, its provoking. I can never win. Even in declaring independence, there will always be some codependent person trying to prove me wrong.
It is a deeper extent of feeling for me to be open with some people. Not only have I noticed, but other people have noticed how a large number of people react to me:
Not the exact story line, but I hope the picture of my perspective is a little more clear.
So, it is a big deal for me to be a little more exploitive of my life. It is a big deal to make myself bicker with the matrix man and even violently compete within the matrix man's cookie cutter system to prove to the matrix man that I am or am not a certain label of his.
Even though some people may not get it; competing within the matrix man's defined cookie cutters makes me part of the matrix man's world. It makes me part of the commune. It makes me lose my own self-perceived label of MIA paper planes.
So, for me to compete and argue with someone over things that are going on in my life IS A VERY BIG DEAL THAT I DON'T THINK MANY PEOPLE REALLY UNDERSTAND YET.
If there were only more people who would do things my way, use my field, argue within the bounds that are reasonable and appropriate with me I think a lot of people's lives, including mine would be much better.
I question though, if I were to argue in the matrix man's cookie cutter field, would my life really be much better? Would I really be happy? Would anything really be solved?
So, even though I had a small example today that brought me to this philosophical conclusion, it is a new question that I question myself with.
I really love being a snowflake
Snowflake power!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment