Relationship-wise

I'm really tired right now and may be even able to fall asleep without any pills tonight.
Anyway, I feel the need to write this blog.
There is nothing serious to assume: I still consider myself single and remain with the same feelings with anyone it would be assumed I have feelings for.
My thought is that maybe I am being set up for structure and shaken into having a stronger bias with people. It really bothers me. I really was relieved when I saw a snowflake commercial with the military. With the world around me and all of the groups, its nice to feel that one group is being more obvious with an agenda. I don't know if the military is fighting hardcore and intricately with racism, or if it leans toward stereotypes that result in slave labor and human trafficking. I really don't know. But, its nice to feel a mutual sense of acknowledged purpose/passion with someone.

In a predictable defensive posture; I also do not like the idea that some could simplify me for being militant because nobody likes me or that I am aggressively forcing someone to love me, or else.
That judgement bothers me.

The actual military is probably defined differently with their projects and missions.

But as for me personally, I really don't feel like I am forcing someone to love me. I see myself as being defensive more than anything. The truth is that I have faced discrimination, profiling, and abuse of all sorts.
Like I have previously said, I will not deny myself of having any human rights. I don't think any human should be denied of human rights.
Still, corruption happens all of the time.

But back to what I wanted to talk about the most: the idea of relationships.
To really sum it up; I would think that most percieve relationships as a battle of strength. I hate the mentality and cycle of it all.
I hate that some relationships create communistic battles as a serious controlling mechanism for battle of submission (whether it is admitted or not). In all sorts of parts of a person's life.
But even outside a social network, a work place, some sort of organization or group, is the idea of the one on one relationship itself.
I still hate that the common conformity is that it is wrong for a man to have vulnerability. I hate the idea that the guy may be considered a "wimp," or whatever if he is the one to show some or more vulnerability to whoever he is with.
I still hate the continued discrimination of the body a person was born with. I hate that this is being made such a big deal, because I feel like I have to be forced into a pigeon holed corner to decide one way or another: nature or plastic surgery. Not just speaking me but the general population.
Anyway, even beyond that is still the continued battle of strength. Some people like games, some don't. I'm one of the people who doesn't. I typically do not use another man to make another man jealous. Despite all of the chaos and assumptions made in my life, I wouldn't be bisexual to be the winner in a battle of strength.
I seriously do not mind being on my own (sometimes its tougher than others) until the right man comes along. Even though I'm at a lot of negative odds with Russia right now, the reminder and acknowledgement of the value of waiting is something I share a mutual value with.
With some religious; I hate how judgement is used against me concerning number of partners. I don't want to get in a huge debate over it, but it bothers me, and I think it is another factor when it comes to the relentless battle of strength.
Sometimes, I really do hate the pressure. Even when people agree that it's not a big deal to be single, I still hate the lack of acknowledgement/acceptance/respect. I hate another cliche "you're nobody until somebody loves you." I hate that.
Yes, of course it would be nice to be loved, but until that time comes, why should I have to be the one to be treated like dirt or a scapegoat? Seriously, why?

Anyway, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed now.

Brain Storm

It is only my personal life.
Speaking of, I feel like I am coming to a more defined choice that I will have to make a structured decision with for a period of time.
I can't think of the right words. I'm sure some people may define it in different ways in their own world, but I would rather elaborate my thoughts than have 1 summed up word.

I wouldn't necessarily call it being loyal. I would compare it more to living to prove myself. I have always been against that thought and have had a progressive hatred through the years against people who think living to prove themselves is the only way to go, or when the will is imposed on me for me to live to prove myself. I see it more as a slaving mentality to either impress others, or go out of my way to prove I am one way or another.

It is an especial issue with the accountant/matrix man/ mathematician. It is back to the cookie cutter concept and being pigeon-holed to say I am one way or another with their own labels and definitions.

Some people have already called me a sellout. There are times when I act spontaneously because I feel the need to seriously communicate with some people. But do I consider myself a sellout? Not really. Shawshank redemption, remember? The thing is, what if my life always has to be a Shawshank because whoever the matrix man is, is relentless in making me his slave to always live to prove myself? To change my personality to fall under his cookie cutter labels to say I am one way or another. ????
This is my dilemma. Even though I am already confident in who I am and know who I am, I hate feeling like I am always blinded by some sort of cookie cutter trap and will always have to be a shawshank to prove to the matrix man he will never dictate my life.



I know, its provoking. I can never win. Even in declaring independence, there will always be some codependent person trying to prove me wrong.

It is a deeper extent of feeling for me to be open with some people. Not only have I noticed, but other people have noticed how a large number of people react to me:



Not the exact story line, but I hope the picture of my perspective is a little more clear.

So, it is a big deal for me to be a little more exploitive of my life. It is a big deal to make myself bicker with the matrix man and even violently compete within the matrix man's cookie cutter system to prove to the matrix man that I am or am not a certain label of his.
Even though some people may not get it; competing within the matrix man's defined cookie cutters makes me part of the matrix man's world. It makes me part of the commune. It makes me lose my own self-perceived label of MIA paper planes.

So, for me to compete and argue with someone over things that are going on in my life IS A VERY BIG DEAL THAT I DON'T THINK MANY PEOPLE REALLY UNDERSTAND YET.

If there were only more people who would do things my way, use my field, argue within the bounds that are reasonable and appropriate with me I think a lot of people's lives, including mine would be much better.
I question though, if I were to argue in the matrix man's cookie cutter field, would my life really be much better? Would I really be happy? Would anything really be solved?

So, even though I had a small example today that brought me to this philosophical conclusion, it is a new question that I question myself with.

I really love being a snowflake

Snowflake power!!!!!!!!!!!!