Relationship-wise

I'm really tired right now and may be even able to fall asleep without any pills tonight.
Anyway, I feel the need to write this blog.
There is nothing serious to assume: I still consider myself single and remain with the same feelings with anyone it would be assumed I have feelings for.
My thought is that maybe I am being set up for structure and shaken into having a stronger bias with people. It really bothers me. I really was relieved when I saw a snowflake commercial with the military. With the world around me and all of the groups, its nice to feel that one group is being more obvious with an agenda. I don't know if the military is fighting hardcore and intricately with racism, or if it leans toward stereotypes that result in slave labor and human trafficking. I really don't know. But, its nice to feel a mutual sense of acknowledged purpose/passion with someone.

In a predictable defensive posture; I also do not like the idea that some could simplify me for being militant because nobody likes me or that I am aggressively forcing someone to love me, or else.
That judgement bothers me.

The actual military is probably defined differently with their projects and missions.

But as for me personally, I really don't feel like I am forcing someone to love me. I see myself as being defensive more than anything. The truth is that I have faced discrimination, profiling, and abuse of all sorts.
Like I have previously said, I will not deny myself of having any human rights. I don't think any human should be denied of human rights.
Still, corruption happens all of the time.

But back to what I wanted to talk about the most: the idea of relationships.
To really sum it up; I would think that most percieve relationships as a battle of strength. I hate the mentality and cycle of it all.
I hate that some relationships create communistic battles as a serious controlling mechanism for battle of submission (whether it is admitted or not). In all sorts of parts of a person's life.
But even outside a social network, a work place, some sort of organization or group, is the idea of the one on one relationship itself.
I still hate that the common conformity is that it is wrong for a man to have vulnerability. I hate the idea that the guy may be considered a "wimp," or whatever if he is the one to show some or more vulnerability to whoever he is with.
I still hate the continued discrimination of the body a person was born with. I hate that this is being made such a big deal, because I feel like I have to be forced into a pigeon holed corner to decide one way or another: nature or plastic surgery. Not just speaking me but the general population.
Anyway, even beyond that is still the continued battle of strength. Some people like games, some don't. I'm one of the people who doesn't. I typically do not use another man to make another man jealous. Despite all of the chaos and assumptions made in my life, I wouldn't be bisexual to be the winner in a battle of strength.
I seriously do not mind being on my own (sometimes its tougher than others) until the right man comes along. Even though I'm at a lot of negative odds with Russia right now, the reminder and acknowledgement of the value of waiting is something I share a mutual value with.
With some religious; I hate how judgement is used against me concerning number of partners. I don't want to get in a huge debate over it, but it bothers me, and I think it is another factor when it comes to the relentless battle of strength.
Sometimes, I really do hate the pressure. Even when people agree that it's not a big deal to be single, I still hate the lack of acknowledgement/acceptance/respect. I hate another cliche "you're nobody until somebody loves you." I hate that.
Yes, of course it would be nice to be loved, but until that time comes, why should I have to be the one to be treated like dirt or a scapegoat? Seriously, why?

Anyway, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed now.

Brain Storm

It is only my personal life.
Speaking of, I feel like I am coming to a more defined choice that I will have to make a structured decision with for a period of time.
I can't think of the right words. I'm sure some people may define it in different ways in their own world, but I would rather elaborate my thoughts than have 1 summed up word.

I wouldn't necessarily call it being loyal. I would compare it more to living to prove myself. I have always been against that thought and have had a progressive hatred through the years against people who think living to prove themselves is the only way to go, or when the will is imposed on me for me to live to prove myself. I see it more as a slaving mentality to either impress others, or go out of my way to prove I am one way or another.

It is an especial issue with the accountant/matrix man/ mathematician. It is back to the cookie cutter concept and being pigeon-holed to say I am one way or another with their own labels and definitions.

Some people have already called me a sellout. There are times when I act spontaneously because I feel the need to seriously communicate with some people. But do I consider myself a sellout? Not really. Shawshank redemption, remember? The thing is, what if my life always has to be a Shawshank because whoever the matrix man is, is relentless in making me his slave to always live to prove myself? To change my personality to fall under his cookie cutter labels to say I am one way or another. ????
This is my dilemma. Even though I am already confident in who I am and know who I am, I hate feeling like I am always blinded by some sort of cookie cutter trap and will always have to be a shawshank to prove to the matrix man he will never dictate my life.



I know, its provoking. I can never win. Even in declaring independence, there will always be some codependent person trying to prove me wrong.

It is a deeper extent of feeling for me to be open with some people. Not only have I noticed, but other people have noticed how a large number of people react to me:



Not the exact story line, but I hope the picture of my perspective is a little more clear.

So, it is a big deal for me to be a little more exploitive of my life. It is a big deal to make myself bicker with the matrix man and even violently compete within the matrix man's cookie cutter system to prove to the matrix man that I am or am not a certain label of his.
Even though some people may not get it; competing within the matrix man's defined cookie cutters makes me part of the matrix man's world. It makes me part of the commune. It makes me lose my own self-perceived label of MIA paper planes.

So, for me to compete and argue with someone over things that are going on in my life IS A VERY BIG DEAL THAT I DON'T THINK MANY PEOPLE REALLY UNDERSTAND YET.

If there were only more people who would do things my way, use my field, argue within the bounds that are reasonable and appropriate with me I think a lot of people's lives, including mine would be much better.
I question though, if I were to argue in the matrix man's cookie cutter field, would my life really be much better? Would I really be happy? Would anything really be solved?

So, even though I had a small example today that brought me to this philosophical conclusion, it is a new question that I question myself with.

I really love being a snowflake

Snowflake power!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoping info gets placed in the right hands

The title is literally what the fear is about.
Life is the hardest it has ever been. If I was placed in the right setting with the right triggers, I would be in a rage right now breaking and beating objects and people.
The key words of my thinking is: identity, dependence, rights, freedom, intelligence.

I am reflecting with how Orson must have felt on Desperate Housewives when he had to be dependent on Bree. I am talking about the idea, and not really being a cat with anyone. Just hear me out. Bree at least had a successful business of her own. But, what if Bree was the average woman? Even in her own business, Orson had been a licensed Dr who had had several years of experience in being a Dr. One day, his anger happened to get the best of him, and after coming home to Bree after being in prison, he had to be dependent on her.
I wish I had other examples to give here. It did get worse with Orson when he was put in a wheelchair and had to be dependent on her even more. I can imagine his torment. In this first season, he did move out.

I have heard other stories in the media that does describe people with even Master's degrees who have a very difficult time in getting a job.
The idea of Marxism is very scary for me. If you break down Marxism to the core, it is a distribution of wealth to a select people. In breaking down wealth, it is decided what the characteristics and personalities will be of those who have jobs varying to certain degrees, salaries, and floors of a building.
It is a frightening thought to know that just because a person was born in being who they are, with no control, that their life is being placed in the hands of a Marxist and even a geneticist. It really is a mind of supremacy if you think about it. The decider's may not commit a murder, but they still put a person's life in jeapardy and on the line just because they were born.

My main argument is the ability to be one's self vs. being forced to be someone's blow up doll. So many people do not understand how I really feel when I am forced into their targeting.

My next comment gives me great fear to say. It is what gives me the title of this blog. Right now, I wish I had a trustworthy person that I could be dependent on. Even if I were to get my way, I think I'd be more of a burden than appreciated with the amount of debt I have and that I'll be going bankrupt soon. I agree with appreciation of money, but I think it is a sad truth that for most, it is the deciding factor of what is more valuable.
I'd eventually want to work again, but right now, work feels so hopeless. I am damaged, I don't want to even think about the people who want to aggressively plot any route to further damage me. I don't want to think about the people who want to suck more life out of me.
I'd never give up on myself. I'd still pursue a job even though I couldn't find one.

I've been thinking though more about the idea of codependence. As much as I preach and value independence, I think to reflect on mortality concerning issues of dependence. This goes both ways. I get disgusted and a sobbing sore throat when I see that someone is putting my life in a deathly danger because I will not be dependent when I think I am fully capable of being on my own.
At the same time, I think it is rare for a man to really want to take care of me in a truly pure motive and heart. I would hate to imagine someone who would just let someone die if there is some level of care there, but they would choose not to save them for their own independence, autonomy, and freedom.
I really see my situation as being rigged right now. I feel more trapped at my parents house that is honestly having a silently and extremely violent battle at self-righteousness. I feel trapped and rigged by the community as a whole.

I want to be rescued, but I greatly fear what kind of rescue trap I could be in. I really do love myself, and I would hate to be forced to do or be anything that is not me. At the same time, I hate the idea of being cheated because of it.

I am a day late with the gay issue. Gays, I think you are worhty of a civilized societal fairness and love.
At the same time, I am sticking to my guns with how I feel about myself. I deny that I want a woman more. I want a man more. I am more of a feminist. Shania Twain's mindset matches mine the most:









This song is my own personal inside joke with Terry Shivo (baby at 15). It wasn't really a baby I wanted, but I try to hold on with my crazy life anyway. Be careful in how literal you take the words.