The title is literally what the fear is about.
Life is the hardest it has ever been. If I was placed in the right setting with the right triggers, I would be in a rage right now breaking and beating objects and people.
The key words of my thinking is: identity, dependence, rights, freedom, intelligence.
I am reflecting with how Orson must have felt on Desperate Housewives when he had to be dependent on Bree. I am talking about the idea, and not really being a cat with anyone. Just hear me out. Bree at least had a successful business of her own. But, what if Bree was the average woman? Even in her own business, Orson had been a licensed Dr who had had several years of experience in being a Dr. One day, his anger happened to get the best of him, and after coming home to Bree after being in prison, he had to be dependent on her.
I wish I had other examples to give here. It did get worse with Orson when he was put in a wheelchair and had to be dependent on her even more. I can imagine his torment. In this first season, he did move out.
I have heard other stories in the media that does describe people with even Master's degrees who have a very difficult time in getting a job.
The idea of Marxism is very scary for me. If you break down Marxism to the core, it is a distribution of wealth to a select people. In breaking down wealth, it is decided what the characteristics and personalities will be of those who have jobs varying to certain degrees, salaries, and floors of a building.
It is a frightening thought to know that just because a person was born in being who they are, with no control, that their life is being placed in the hands of a Marxist and even a geneticist. It really is a mind of supremacy if you think about it. The decider's may not commit a murder, but they still put a person's life in jeapardy and on the line just because they were born.
My main argument is the ability to be one's self vs. being forced to be someone's blow up doll. So many people do not understand how I really feel when I am forced into their targeting.
My next comment gives me great fear to say. It is what gives me the title of this blog. Right now, I wish I had a trustworthy person that I could be dependent on. Even if I were to get my way, I think I'd be more of a burden than appreciated with the amount of debt I have and that I'll be going bankrupt soon. I agree with appreciation of money, but I think it is a sad truth that for most, it is the deciding factor of what is more valuable.
I'd eventually want to work again, but right now, work feels so hopeless. I am damaged, I don't want to even think about the people who want to aggressively plot any route to further damage me. I don't want to think about the people who want to suck more life out of me.
I'd never give up on myself. I'd still pursue a job even though I couldn't find one.
I've been thinking though more about the idea of codependence. As much as I preach and value independence, I think to reflect on mortality concerning issues of dependence. This goes both ways. I get disgusted and a sobbing sore throat when I see that someone is putting my life in a deathly danger because I will not be dependent when I think I am fully capable of being on my own.
At the same time, I think it is rare for a man to really want to take care of me in a truly pure motive and heart. I would hate to imagine someone who would just let someone die if there is some level of care there, but they would choose not to save them for their own independence, autonomy, and freedom.
I really see my situation as being rigged right now. I feel more trapped at my parents house that is honestly having a silently and extremely violent battle at self-righteousness. I feel trapped and rigged by the community as a whole.
I want to be rescued, but I greatly fear what kind of rescue trap I could be in. I really do love myself, and I would hate to be forced to do or be anything that is not me. At the same time, I hate the idea of being cheated because of it.
I am a day late with the gay issue. Gays, I think you are worhty of a civilized societal fairness and love.
At the same time, I am sticking to my guns with how I feel about myself. I deny that I want a woman more. I want a man more. I am more of a feminist. Shania Twain's mindset matches mine the most:
This song is my own personal inside joke with Terry Shivo (baby at 15). It wasn't really a baby I wanted, but I try to hold on with my crazy life anyway. Be careful in how literal you take the words.
